Heart. Heartbeat. Rhythm. This is something God has been talking to me about for a while now. My husband has been telling me for years now that the mother is the Heart of the home. I never quite got what he was saying. You see, people can tell me things and they don’t make sense. Then later in life, during a non-related event (sometimes while showering…..ok most of the time while showering and getting ready for the day ahead), the light comes on in my brain for things such as this! As I have said before, I feel like a late bloomer in some aspects! But I know that God’s timing is always perfect, so I know I should not feel like that!
During August 2021, I had a conversation with my sister-in-law. She confirmed what my husband has been saying and what I had been feeling in my heart for sometime now. The mom is the one that sets the tone in the house. She determines the pace at which things take place. She determines HOW things take place.
I had lost myself. My rhythm was lost and out of sync.
You see, since the first Lockdown was announced in March 2020, I started to feel lost. I have never in my life felt like that before. I felt alone even when I was surrounded by the ones I loved. I felt trapped when I had a massive piece of property to wander on if the house got too small. I felt squashed in a corner when we have a descent size house.
My rhythm was lost, out of sync and just not working anymore. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not get it back to where it was. I could not get up at 4 am like I used to (I love this time of the day by the way – it is as if I can feel God’s presence more when the rest of the world is still asleep). I did not get up at 4 am EVERY SINGLE DAY before March 2020, but I did do it frequently and the days I did get up at that time, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest so to speak.
Before I go on typing, go and get your cup of coffee or tea ready! I feel in my spirit that this is not going to be a quick post, as what I have to say here, cannot be broken up into three or four posts! It must all be read together, else God’s message will not be relayed correctly….
The weekend of 10 to 12 September 2021, I attended the Bible journaling camp of Adorned through Christ. You see, God had an APPOINTMENT with ME that weekend! I am not one to go to camps and do things where only women are involved. The mom-guilt usually kicks in and then I decide against it.
But this time, when I saw the advertisement from Carolien Cross on Facebook, I just KNEW I HAD TO GO! Now, some of you may know that I am a serious OVERTHINKER. I am an overthinker of NOTE. I overthink pretty much everything, except my work of course, in life!
I get distracted with detail. This is my brain’s way of remembering the detail and everything I have to say.
Why am I telling you this? Overthinking things? Well, you will laugh now, but, I overthought the idea of Bible journaling. I frowned upon it. Yes, you heard me! I FROWNED upon Bible journaling. I even made it known to Carolien when she started with her arty farty fancy schmancy (not sure of that spelling but you get my drift) Bible journaling that I do not like it.
Back to my story…..let me give some background. Those of you who know me, will understand that I jump around a lot while telling a story. That is my brain’s way of just remembering every single little detail.
If it feels like I am distracted telling you this, well, then I most probably am, but try to keep up! Some background – you all would have (hopefully) read my introductory page on this Blog. At this stage it is in Afrikaans still and I am in the process of changing the blog to transition through to a bilingual Blog.
None the less. I am a Chartered Accountant with my own business. Which God has blessed ABUNDANTLY by the way. Carolien was the first person (in the history of our business) we had interviewed and appointed in the interview and she started working for us.
She brought another atmosphere to our office, a motherly nurturing feel. She made birthdays special, going crazy with decorations sometimes. I just loved it! It was funny, we laughed a lot and made jokes.
Speaking of birthdays – God confirmed to me in a very unique way, what birthday present to get her one year. I think it must have been 2016 or there about? Not sure about the timeline here… She had told someone in the office what she liked and it was this turquoise bible used for Bible journaling.
Of course I had NO IDEA what I had to purchase and while standing in CUM Books, I saw someone I knew. A Pastor – to be more specific, Francis Hartzer’s husband, Danie Hartzer. I told him I have to get a present for someone. If I recall correctly I did not identify “the someone”. He looked at me and said, “Let me show you” and walked directly to the shelf where these Bibles (still unknown to me) were in the shop!
I frowned upon Bible journaling. I over thought the process for many years.
I was amazed with this and of course the rest is history and Carolien has since then done so many beautiful pages in her Bible. Of course I have not seen all of them but I know her talent and that she just enjoys this!
To cut a long story short, Carolien left our employment in 2019 as she had found a job closer to home with pretty much just better benefits than what we could offer. Adorned was born shortly before she left our employment.
Back in 2021 – on my way to the camp that Friday, I realised that Carolien had to leave our employment. If she had stayed with us, she would not have been able to do her ministry the way she has since leaving. We would have held her back and we would have withheld her from her true calling from God. I was convinced that God let my own dog bite me (a story for another day) to send me to the doctor’s rooms where she now works, to see her in action.
Do we miss her and the help that she had provided to us? Of course yes!! I still feel like I am drowning in the work, but we are getting there and God is good all the time! But it was the right time to let her go and God reassured me that this all was in His plan and greater picture! Her surname is not Cross by chance you know….
He sent me to her current workplace to see her in action. To see that she was where she belonged.
So back to the camp people. You see, my brain, ai, what can I say?? I get distracted!! On the camp, it was hard at times being away from loved ones. Often between classes, I would hear woman talk to their kids on the phone or making a video call to her family.
Words I heard the most that weekend? “Mommy misses you my darling! How are you?” I was one of those mommies missing her family terribly much! I have a 7 year old daughter at home who was NOT impressed with her mother going away for a weekend all by herself!
I got a Whatsapp message from her the Saturday morning saying I must please return home! My heart just felt so sad when I read that! At a point during the day on Saturday, I felt like going home. It was too much for me being away.
Perhaps it was my spirit sensing that God is wanting to talk with me? Not wanting to cry yet again over the same old garbage which is supposed to be dumped and out of my life so that I can live the life God had intended for me….
Heritage theme.
Adorned Through Christ
Being away from your loved ones is HARD. But, God needs to get us to become silent, so that we can HEAR Him and get the healing that we need. If the heart of the home is broken, then there is no rhythm and no heartbeat, everything is out of sync and nothing works out and then we just MISS the boat completely!
The theme of the camp was Heritage. Of course, with it being hosted in September, one connects the dots to Heritage day, the Public Holiday in September. That is the one that we have on the 24th is it not???
The message that I picked up, amongst other things, was God’s Heart for the people. He wants to mend our hearts and show us our Heritage. Not our earthly Heritage. Our Heavenly Heritage. Because, we are in this world, but not from this world….
In Matthew 11: 28-30 Jesus invites us to come to Him when our burdens feel heavy. If you read the Message translation (I think this was when Rochelle brought her message and page for us to do) it really just simplifies it so beautifully! I love comparing different translations. I am convinced that God uses all translations to bring His message to His people.
As Rochelle had said during her message, not everyone can understand William Shakespeare type English…I for one cannot understand it, without spending, what feels like 3 hours, reading one sentence! Anyway, I am not going to go into the different translations and all the debates there are around that. The only thing I am going to say is, if God wants to speak to you, He most certainly will. Whether it is Spanish, English, Afrikaans or Tswana. If He has something to tell you, He will make sure you hear it!!
The camp itself was not luxurious at all. We were between 4 and 5 woman who shared a room, with one bathroom (with paper thin walls by the way). In my head I was really worried about HOW we are going to all use the bathroom! If everyone takes 15 minutes, and we are 5 in the room, then that is 1 hour and 15 minutes before everyone is ready for either bed or to get up in the mornings. Are we going to be in time for breakfast?? Yes you may laugh, that is what I was concerned about before the weekend….
God’s heart for His people. He wants to mend us.
Man, that FREAKED me out!!! But I still went through with the camp and arrived at the camp site. I was very grateful to see someone that I knew, Lynn Grobler, and immediately connected with her and her two friends.
Back to the luxury of the Camp – within my heart I felt that God wanted to “treat” us with the luxury of His presence and message and just being able to spend time with Him without constant interruptions of making food or helping with this or doing that. Because that is who we as moms are, right? Working with interruptions the WHOLE time! I have a saying in Afrikaans. “Alles gebeur in paaiemente in my lewe.” Direct translation? Everything happens in instalments in my life.
Friday evening, while unpacking my things in the hall where the journaling was to take place for the weekend, I noticed writing on my table where I picked a spot. Now this is where the FUN starts. Because God has such a great sense of humor and just TALKS to us (if we let Him). He is in every single detail….
The writing on my table? God be praised in all we think and do. WOW! That is HUGE! I had, just the week before, ordered a desk organiser for my work space at home with a similar scripture on it. The scripture on my organiser? Colosians 3:23-24 CEV (Contemporary English Version).
There was no luxury at the camp. This is when God can spoil you with His heavenly luxuries.
Work as though you work for God and not an earthly master…..that is the message of that verse. A confirmation to me. You see, sometimes I get caught up in the noise of the people who are dissatisfied with what we do in our business, what seems like EVERYTHING, complaining about fees, work that has to be done, and so the list goes on and on…..
That Friday evening, Elmarie who was the presenter, brought a message from Joshua 1:6 where God promises that He has made a covenant with all of us, irrespective of where we come from. The promise from God’s word related to Rahab who had a shameful past. When you read in the new testament, she became part of Jesus’ family! Wow!
Now this is where the fun started – doing the page. You see, everyone was so uncertain about what they had to do. Techniques were being taught that were unknown to the most of us. As soon as you are put out there, out of your comfort zone, doubt starts to come in and whisper the biggest load of rubbish in your ears.
Friday evening was no different for me, and I think for most ladies around me! What I realised was, we did not UNDERSTAND what we were doing. We were told to do things, that, in our minds, did not make sense at all!! And because there is this lack of understanding, you start doubting that you are on the right track.
Every piece of art has an ugly stage.
Elmarie
Is that not how it is with life? When you are in a moment, you do not understand WHY something is happening the way it is. As soon as you have gone through what ever it is that you had to go through, and when you look back, you then understand the steps and processes a bit better.
I experienced that weekend like that! Hardly ever fully understanding WHY we were doing something but as soon as the page was done, looking at the results and feeling proud, then only did I understand WHY I had to do things the way I did.
Elmarie often said “Every artwork has an ugly stage”. That was so true. Because my page that I was doing, which Elmarie presented was looking TERRIBLE at one stage! Then, God gave me an idea and it turned out fantastic! That comment made me think. Do we all not have an ugly stage? We are all God’s artwork, but at one time or another, we feel and look UGLY so to speak. But then God steps in and does a little bit of this and a whole lot of that and then suddenly we are where we are supposed to be doing what He had created us to do.
You see, shortly after this weekend, I felt ugly again. It was like the devil tried to take away my voice to write about that wonderful God inspired weekend. Things happened and as a human being I acted on emotions. Misbehaving like I did before I truly met God. I was ashamed of my behavior and immediately apologised for my actions towards someone close to me.
This whole week I felt unable to write, feeling that, when people that know what happened, will read this piece of art that God has instilled in me (I see writing as a form of art) with “judgy” eyes. Rolling their eyes saying to themselves and others how can I write about God and glorify Him while I had the behavior that I had.
But, I am reminded by God over and over again to keep on looking forward and not look back on the past. Someone once told me that, the more you fail, the stronger you become. You see, in weakness He is made strong. God made each and every person imperfect, because there is only ONE perfect human being that was ever on this earth. Jesus.
No one slept well. The donkey kept many people awake.
From Glory to Glory we all go. We have our moments. God uses broken people to heal a broken world. We are the instruments in His hands. If we do not respond to His call, He will just keep on calling and if you keep on ignoring Him, He will use someone else to do the task set before you but He will also keep on calling. You see, God has every person’s name and address. You can run but you cannot hide!
Back to the weekend again. Saturday morning arrives. Everyone looks weary and tired. Hardly anyone slept well. I, for one, never sleep well the first night away from home. When chatting to others about how they slept, I realised that I had a GREAT sleep as I did not hear the Donkey during the night.
Apparently there was a Donkey making a whole lot of noise! Thank God I did not hear the Donkey, but I still didn’t feel too great. We all go to the hall and it is as if the exhaustion that everyone felt is lifted when we start with the first page of the day.
Francis Hartzer presented her page. Let me just also back track a bit – everyone presenting, shows the final product first. Everyone oohs and aaahs about the beauty presented in the page. Then the fun starts actually DOING the page.
Here we go again. Confucius seems to be roaming the hall yet again that day! With much uncertainty we start following the steps presented. We draw a block and leave spaces open, mix colors for sand, unsure how much of what to use, we all continue with our art work….very uncertain of whether we ARE in fact DOING the right thing.
Confucius was roaming while doing pages….we were uncertain of what to do most of the time!
You see, what I realised is, that most people (here I thought it was only me), but most people want to KNOW WHY they are doing something. I do not like it when I receive an instruction but have no idea what I am doing!!
We all went about, doing our pages and making Francis CRAZY with all our questions. The result? Beautiful, individual, and very different pages done by all the ladies. Somewhere during the day on Saturday, God instilled in my heart to “Trust the process” when there was confusion.
Trust the Process…
– God –
I then started uttering those words every time anyone was confused around me. “Trust the process” I would hear myself say. Just trust the process. I recall Tammy Tambourlas (I had to check my phone for the spelling of her surname and STILL don’t know how to pronounce it!) laughing at me every time I said it…..
Rochelle was up next and AGAIN we were out of our comfort zones having to Trust the Process. She brought a beautiful message with her page that touched everyone deeply. As I was listening to her, I was so amazed, yet again, at God and His detail that He works with.
You see, each of the ladies presenting their pages that weekend, just got the word Heritage and had to work with that. Right through the weekend it was as if God was building up to a climax, bringing the same message over and over again.
Heritage. That made me think again. I am not sure at what stage I had this thought, but I realised that, like every other person, I have a history, a heritage that I come from. An earthly one. I know all the stuff if I can call it that, about our heavenly Heritage. I was thinking about my earthly Heritage. Where did I come from.
Earthly Heritage.
Being brought up bilingual, remembering my Heritage confirmed the bilingual blog
I felt the Holy Spirit whisper in my heart that my Heritage, for me, Elsie Potgieter is one of a Bilingual upbringing. You see, my mother was English (I say was because she has completed her race on earth and now worships Jesus every single day that we are still here on earth) and my dad is Afrikaans.
I was brought up Afrikaans, yet visited with my mom’s side of the family frequently. My best friend was my dear cousin Jacqui (who now resides in Australia). Having an English best friend whom I spent holidays with reading English books, telling jokes, playing games, reading funny passages from the books to each other, helped develop my linguistic skill (wow is that even a word?? Linguistic….sounds so formal).
I then thought it was very appropriate that God further prompted me to write in English too. Hence the blog post about Metamorphosis. Writing in English like this is harder than in Afrikaans, as it just runs out through my fingers so to speak while I am blogging in Afrikaans.
BUT I am going to TRUST THE PROCESS with this. With the new platform that I am blogging on, it is like God is FORCING me to get some structure in my life. Something I have been BEGGING and praying to Him for years! Having your own business, working from home makes is so hard to put up the Chinese Walls they refer to in our world. Creating controls to ensure that other processes within an environment are not tainted.
O my hat, I see I have wandered off again! Back to the weekend. After Rochelle, we had the privilege to do a page with Thea. But it was not a page. We thought it was a page, but then we ended up making a junk journal. Yes, I heard you saying HUH? A junk journal? Don’t worry – that was my thought exactly.
We had no idea what we were doing with Thea’s junk journal.
With Thea, I was LAUGHING more than what I was doing my junk journal. You see, Thea has this dry sense of humor. I love it and enjoy her to bits! Again Confucius was roaming and we were all yet again CONFUSED beyond words. This time, the words TRUST THE PROCESS seemed to be spoken and uttered more and more. We had NO CLUE what we were doing.
Sticking two envelopes together, careful NOT to glue it in places where it should not get glue. Not understanding what we were doing, but doing as instructed. It was during this time, that God started to speak to me about a very personal matter that I had questions about for some time.
I was not questioning God. I was questioning a process in my life….. Amongst the pages that Thea had handed out and prepared for everyone, there were so many messages from God I could not ignore. I started to get my answers as the day progressed.
Thea’s message was about Joseph and how his journey went. Let me tell you, it was not a pleasant journey! I am pretty sure that He questioned the process more than what I had done in the past. Yet, God sent him ahead to fulfill the greater plan that He had for the Israelites.
I received a very personal answer directly from God that weekend about things I had asked Him questions about.
Bottom line is that God uses any person and all people who are willing to serve Him. He uses broken people. Broken hearts are hurtful. God needs us to mend our hearts so that we can do what is needed to spread His word and love.
Suppressing a broken heart does not heal you! Read that again! When you suppress something very painful, you do not receive your healing that you have to receive to become the person that you have to be so that God can use you!
I learnt, yet again, over that weekend, that, running away from the heartsore is not the answer. God had an appointment with not only me, but each and every lady that was there that weekend! Let me tell you something else, the devil also knows each person’s potential.
I always say, when the going gets tough, then you must be elated with joy that you are in the right place doing the right thing. The devil does not like it and does what ever needs to be done to hinder you from progressing and doing what you have to do. I am by no means giving the devil credit for everything, but I can see very clearly what he is up to.
I further learnt that the weeks leading up to the camp were tough for many people attending, not only me. Things would happen that would discourage you to not attend. By the grace of God, everyone arrived. Because He had an appointment with each and everyone of us there! A very intimate healing appointment. Healing hearts.
A mended heart makes you a better person.
When your heart is mended, you are a better and different person. Many times you hurt those closest to you because of your broken heart. You do not intend on doing it, it just happens. Those closest to you are the ones that God sends to you. He puts people together for a reason and sometimes only for a season.
The message that I got was that we have to pay attention to our footsteps that we leave behind and be conscious of where we are going. We have to always choose the better option! We remain His children no matter how broken we may feel and appear to others.
We are still His heirs, no matter our past. Just keep on trusting the process. It is almost like the song from the movie Finding Dory. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!” Back to Thea’s envelope, we trusted the process and with much laughter we all managed to get our junk journals finished and in a working order.
42 – the number of ladies that attended the camp.
The meaning of the number 42 is not a coincidence.
Even if we do not understand WHAT God is doing and it does not make sense at all, we have to continue TRUSTING Him and His process. Everything ALWAYS happens for a reason! Something BIGGER than what our minds can fathom. Who are we to stand in the way of HIS plan?
I heard from Carolien the Friday that there were 42 ladies that attended that weekend. 42! I could not believe it! That is BIG! For us living on the platteland that is HUGE! Now remember, we do not live in one horsed towns but things are just different in the rural areas, or platteland as I refer to it.
I sought the meaning of the number 42. My book tells me the following: The numeric association can be calculated by adding two (agreement) to forty (mature leadership) which implies a readiness to lead (or to reign). It is also calculated by multiplying seven (perfection) with six (spirit of man, natural man) which point to the perfection of the natural man that can be achieved as a “spiritual man” or follower of Jesus Christ.
WOW! WOW! WOW! A further meaning, with scripture, states that Jesus was the 41st generation in His natural lineage, we as His children are the 42nd generation which is the perfection of man in Christ Jesus. Gal 6:1; Rom 8:15 and Eph 1:5 are the scriptures linked to this meaning.
Prophetic song had me in tears.
Back to the camp and the very personal message that God had for those attending….shortly after Thea’s junk journal was finished, a lady, whose name I did not get, stood up and started to speak. She said that we should listen to what God has to say and that we should not sit with our arms folded.
Next thing I know, she bursts out with Prophetic singing. I jolted in my seat as I did not expect that! BUT God got my attention. Hours before she started singing, I was complaining about the weird clues that God was giving me. Lynn was encouraging me that He was giving me promises and I was complaining saying I want a telephone call or Whatsapp message.
Well, I got something better than that! Prophetic singing. By the second line I was in tears. Crying like I have not cried in a very long time. Tammy held my hand while I was crying. My nose was running, my eyes were starting to swell, but I did not care! God was busy cleaning my heart.
The Protea has to go through fire so that the seeds can germinate.
Carolien
I do not remember much of what was sung and it sounded perfect like it was composed before hand. Which of course it was, it was composed in heaven sent through the instrument that God placed there on that camp at that time.
Saturday evening, shortly after Carolien presented her page, listening to her message about the Protea and that it has to go through fire to let the seeds germinate (I did not know this word and had to ask my husband AND google it to make sure that he did not give me the wrong word), God started WORKING with each and everyone that was there.
I remember Carolien saying this about the Protea before, while still in our employment. I always thought to myself that it is very interesting that such a gorgeous flower has to go through something as harsh as fire.
Then I hear my mom’s words that she uttered once, while I was sitting next to her hospital bed, crying about the diagnosis about cancer. She said that we all have to go through the fire to be purified.
Crying like never before, feeling and experiencing God’s healing to my broken heart.
Back to the point of no return, so to speak. Saturday evening. Carolien felt it in her heart to explain to us what to do (and strangely enough, I did not feel confused with her process….a bit uncertain but not confused like before). She then said we can choose how we worship God now. We can either journal, sing praise and worship or do what ever we feel necessary to bring Him praise. Nastassja Potgieter lead the praise and worship. Wow, what a voice! I never knew she could sing!
I was of course, crying like there was no end to my tears (I mean have I not cried enough before this weekend??). Then it was my turn to be ministered by Carolien and her sister. We were crying, praying, talking. At one stage it felt to me that Carolien was crying more than what I was about the heartache that I was feeling.
I realised that this was God working through her, TALKING TO ME! At one stage I was irritated with myself for crying over the same thing over and over and over. But then I realised that this was the last time that I was going to cry about this. The last time that I was going to believe the lies the devil has told me ever since I was a little girl that my best will just never be good enough.
That evening, after crying what felt like forever, I finished my page. I went to the room and got ready for bed. As I was lying in bed, God pressed it on my heart to pray for Carolien the next morning. She was praying for everyone, but no one was praying for her. He pressed on my heart to also join her ministry when it was required and to help pray when needed.
From the rooftops I proclaim, I am yours!!! I am yours!!!
Extract from Rooftops by Jesus Culture, Kim Walker-Smith.
You see, I am a prayer warrior! I felt so moved after being cleansed for the very last time of not feeling worthy to be me, to do what I was placed on this earth to do. I felt ready. Ready for the next step. Ready to start spreading the news (no not the Frank Sinatra song but you can sing it if I just placed the idea in your head).
I woke up with the song from Kim Walker-Smith from Jesus Culture Rooftops that Sunday morning. When I shared with her what I felt, she looked me in the eyes and said that she knows. Jesus showed her the night before. We hugged (ignoring the Pandemic rules) and almost “shook” on it if you can call it that.
Sunday’s closing message from Lynn Grobler was AMAZING! Again the golden thread that started Friday evening, was woven through the message portrayed that entire weekend. I loved her spin on things. She turned it around saying what legacy are we leaving? Our inheritance becomes someone else’s lecay.
Prayer warriors. That is my legacy.
Wow. I never thought of that! We are all leaving legacies behind. She gave an example of a friend of hers and how, for four generations, a legacy was built and left behind. That made me think of my heritage and what legacy my mother and grandmother left me.
Both my Grandmother and Mother were prayer warriors, without them realising it. My grandmother always prayed for me before an exam. She knew when I was writing exams and then she prayed. I believe that is partially why I passed. Of course I studied and prayed myself, but it is just so much better when more people do purpose filled prayers.
My mom always prayed. She always talked about how she prayed about things and the testimonies she gave about what she prayed for. I was one of her prayers. She prayed for another child. When scientifically it was not possible for them to fall pregnant again (that is a story for another day) my mom fell pregnant with me.
I look at my daughter. Sometimes while we craft together I see her murmuring. Always fascinated, I look at her, asking her what she is doing. Her answer? Praying. Just that. Then she would elaborate stating that she was asking Jesus to help her with something that she was unsure of doing. This is something that she learnt from the Tutoring Centre she attends.
Back to Lynn’s message – forgetting breeds Rebellion. When you REMEMBER what God has done for you, it gives you faith. Lynn’s page was simple, and by this time we all had learnt to trust the process. Here and there, there was uncertainty, but we made it! We did it! She closed off her message with a song from Steffany Gretzinger – No one ever cared for me like Jesus. What a powerful song!
Trust the process. Even if NOTHING else makes sense in your life. Trust God. Always. Just a last afterthought – all the pages I journaled in my bible fell on the left side of the page. It only dawned on me towards the end of the camp….God was showing me that I must be the passenger in His vehicle. He is busy driving. Trust the process.
The advertisement 
The message on my table 
Elmarie’s page 
Francis’ page 
Rochelle’s page 
The famous Junk Journal by Thea 
Carolien’s page 
Lynn’s page 
The presenters in real life 
My daughter’s Whatsapp message (7 years old)
