Posted on Leave a comment

Follow up sonar

Went for a follow up sonar. The lump has not grown in size and is similar in size when compared with previous scans. The lymph nodes have shrunk a lot since the previous scans! All in all good news!!! And yes, I always forget to get the flamingo on the shirt in the pic 🙈

🦩

Posted on Leave a comment

Know & understand / Weet & verstaan

Wow, I cannot begin to describe how it feels to not feel terrible and ill and to be able to function a bit more like I used to! I am so grateful for each and every moment that God gives to me during this process when I do not feel ill. That just helps to bring gratitude to the table more frequently you know? I used to take many things for granted (I did have gratitude for all that I had), and since 15 September 2023, I have learnt that NOTHING is to be taken for granted and this just deepened my attitude of gratitude even more….

Terug by vandag se vers. Ek hou baie van die Amplified weergawe, soos jy seker al agter gekom het. Die addisionele beskrywende woorde, veral in Engels, is net vir my so mooi. Nou dit begin om te sê ons moet weet, en dan in hakkies, sonder ENIGE TWYFEL….nou twyfel is ‘n ding wat nie van God af kom nie, so hier probeer die Here ons net weer gemoedsrus gee om te sê HOU OP TWYFEL en weet wat jy moet weet.

The other describing word in brackets is steadfast, which means it is stable, does not fluctuate (this is my own meaning and not something from a dictionary). This is exactly how God is. If you had to draw a graph, like you do in Maths, God’s line is a straight, consistent one. Ours, on the other hand, goes up and down and fluctuates. So God is steadfast in all that He does – He is faithful, keeps His covenant, has lovingkindness towards thousands of generations of those who love Him and obey Him.

Nou het jy al ooit gedink aan hoe baie duisende generasies is? Ek vertel net die ander dag vir my kinders van my ouma grootjie. Min mense het die voorreg om ‘n ouma grootjie persoonlik te ken. Dit beteken dit was 4 generasies vir my. So ‘n groot ouderdomsverskil, soveel mense in net 4 generasies. Hoe lyk duisende generasies dan? Maar is dit nie wonderlik om te weet, dat, dit wat ons nou doen, ons nageslag affekteer nie? As ons die Here lief het en vir Hom luister, dan sal die Here tot in die duisendse geslag Sy liefde betoon. Wow. Wat ek nou doen, beinvloed my klein kinders en agter klein kinders en hul kinders se kinders se kinders se kinders.

So what are we waiting for? Receiving God’s favour and lovingkindness has not been easier! Just love Him and obey Him. As simple as that. And that is not hard to do! 💪 let’s do this day! ™

Posted on Leave a comment

Draai weg / Turn away

Laat ek die daaglikse inskrywings weer probeer. Liewe genade, mens se wêreld word omtrent omver gegooi as siekte besluit om met jou paaie te kruis. Maar dank die Here, ek voel vandag weer beter na behandeling laas week. Elke dag gaan nou weer beter en beter gaan.

So today’s scripture is short and sweet. Simple to read and easy to follow. Turn away from evil, do good and seek peace. I cannot help but think of Miss Congeniality, the movie, where each contestant always answers the rhetorical question they get asked of what their true desire is. The answer? World peace.

Dis in God se woord – gaan soek vrede, en nie hoe nie. Jy moet dit najaag (persue in Engels). Om iets na te jaag, beteken, jy doen dit dag in en dag uit. En dis wragties wat ek probeer doen. Dis nie aldag maklik nie. Veral as jy nie gesond voel nie en medisyne wat soos gif is, deur jou are kry nie. Maar, ek probeer!

So here we are, my first official entry for 2024. What are you going to persue? World peace as they say in the pageants? 💪 let’s do this day! ™

Posted on Leave a comment

The last day of radiation for Sharney

Soooooo most of you know by now that I talk to strangers in weird places 😂🤣

These people I met today and could not help but congratulate them on this achievement – it is her last day of radiation today as the shirts proudly proclaim.

@sharney_blackway
(Unable to tag the Facebook account…)

Sharney, I am elated with you for this wonderful news!!! Keep on spreading the awareness….

Posted on 1 Comment

The one with Rachel

Ever since I could remember, I always felt an emotion when I saw Oncology patients without hair. I always wondered how they do it and how they cope without hair? Never in my life, did I think that I would be in a similar position years later. But, here I am, with no hair on my head, having to work through the emotions of hair loss.

A while ago, my husband and a client convinced me to think about wearing a wig. It was not an option for me, as I thought I would be going through this thing without hair, as that is part of the process. I worked through the hair loss process, cried my cries and moved on. Going big on make up and earrings when I feel better between treatments, wearing something to cover my head when I go out in public.

I decided to give it a go, this wig thing that they convinced me to do. A friend of mine, Lorinda, offered to help me with the wig shopping and travelling. I made an appointment for one Saturday morning and off we went to Linden Johannesburg. The place where we had the appointment was at A Few Gray Hairs. A play of words, as the emblem is that of a few bunnies (or hairs). Here we met with Delia Dashwood.

Delia started first by explaining all the science behind the hairs and hair follicles. So much info was given through to us, all of which we did not realise the reality of what is happening while receiving Chemotherapy treatment. I knew that hairs are fast growing cells and that is why the Chemo targets it first (cancer is also a fast growing and dividing cell and that is why Chemo is administered to patients with Cancer). What I did not know is, that due to the treatment, the shaft of the hair follicle changes in shape. Delia mentioned many terms, but I could not remember them at all so I am not going to even try to recall and retype them here.

The Chemo does not kill the hair, so they do not die, they are just targeted while receiving treatment and hence the reason for it falling out, as it is not allowed to divide and grow as it normally does within the body when you don’t receive treatment. The Chemo also causes inflammation of some sort around the hair follicles and that is why it is sore when it falls out. She explained that there is a gland that produces oils and what ever the hairs need to grow, the natural shampoo and conditioner for hair.

I learnt that I was not supposed to shave my hair off with a razor. OOPS! I did it this two weeks ago, as the hair loss of the short stubs was just an irritation. I further learnt that I should not place any products on my head like cream or oil. It is more than likely that the opening on the scalp, will be clogged up, causing inflammation and it can run the risk of being infected. Something which I am trying to avoid at all costs.

She also explained that the change in the hair shaft/follicle, causes the hair to not grow out like it used to be before. Previously the shaft would have been straighter, the Chemo causes it to be less straight, almost with a kink here and there. This in turn causes the hair to grow out curly. They also call it Chemo curl. It will take approximately two years for it to return to normal. I was also told that it is highly likely to grow out grey…

She further explained that in her 30 years of hairdressing experience, she noted that clients took about 10 minutes to adjust to any changes to their hair. Whether voluntary (or involuntary), colour or style changes. The reactions were the same. She then decided to let her clients comb their own hair shortly after cutting or colouring it, leaving them alone for 10 minutes to process it all. She explained that the same hormones, Cortisol, is released, similar to when you go into flight of fight mode. The doses, is, of course less than another stress situation, and our bodies do not necessarily feel it, but the reality is, it is there.

That is why we have this emotional connection with our hair. That is why, when I went through the process of cutting my hair even shorter after it started to fall out, I posted on social media, that it is not just hair. My own hairdresser asked me in the past, when I wanted to cut my hair shorter or do a drastic change, whether I was going through something emotional? I then realised that, when one cannot change anything in your current circumstances and you feel emotional, you revert to changing your hair, in the hopes that you will feel better…. Now it makes more sense to me.

We then proceeded to discuss the wigs and the inner linings, synthetic and real human hair. She compared the inner linings to vehicles. A Honda Jazz vs a BMW. Of course the BMW was much more comfortable, but, it was the pricing that made the decision for me….choosing the Honda over the BMW….real human hair seemed to be a better option as it will last longer than the synthetic hair, which does not like friction. We all know what a Barbie doll’s hair looks like after a while, and I do not want to look like one of those Barbies!

While fitting the wigs on my head, I was amazed at how weird it felt. I have become used to having no hair and now, having hair on my head, seeing it out the corner of my eyes, was just WEIRD! My whole face changed again while having hair on my head. There was one wig, that Lorinda noted, changed my facial expression more than others. Not even I noticed it! But she noticed it. I did not realise that I actually wanted hair. I really thought that I had dealt with having no hair and that I was comfortable with it. Which I was. But wow, with hair, it is just on another level.

On the way home, Lorinda asked me what we are going to call the wig? She must have a name. Something elegant and royal. But for the life of me, I could not think of a name. Shortly after leaving Delia’s premises, my husband phoned me. He wanted to know if we came right with a wig. Of course, he was very curious with what was chosen, and I simply said that he would have to wait and see. I asked him for a name for her, something that does not sound cheesy or “off”. Something nice. It was him that came up with Rachel, named after Rachel from the Friends series.

Lorinda and I immediately took a liking to the name, and that is what we call her now. Rachel is now a part of my life for how long ever it is needed for her to remain, so that I can have some form of normality under the current circumstances that I find myself in. The reaction of my children when I came home was priceless. My son immediately jumped up from the chair he was sitting on, greeting me with a huge smile, saying that he likes it. My daughter also ran to me with a huge smile on her face.

My husband was standing there, looking at me, saying it is weird to see me with hair again, but that it looks really nice to him. He was amazed at how natural it looks. I really thought that my kids were going to be freaked out by the hair, but clearly having no hair at all, was worse for them. Not once did they ever make me feel uncomfortable without hair, nor did they say anything about it. But deep down, their emotions about seeing me without hair was there, hidden away without anyone being the wiser.

I had such a pleasant experience at A Few Gray Hairs with Delia. She really explained everything to me, without being impatient and without just jumping into wig fittings and trying to make a sale. Delia also does such a good job, she, herself, makes wigs from donated hair. She goes around to schools, collecting hair from girls’ ponies, using that in wigs. The wig that I chose is imported from the US, it was readily available to take home immediately (which I secretly had hoped would be the case before going there). I had the choice of waiting for one to be made, but, decided that the one that I fitted had the right hair colour, length and fit on my head. Delia, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for what you do. For the good deeds that you do by making wigs to fit everyone’s needs – from donated free wigs, to hand made wigs to imported wigs. May you be blessed in abundance for your good heart!

Posted on Leave a comment

Die een met Rachel

Sedert ek kon onthou, het ek nog altyd ‘n emosie ervaar wanneer ek ‘n Onkologie pasiënt sien sonder hare. Ek het altyd gewonder hoe hulle dit doen en hoe hulle oorleef sonder hare? Nooit in my lewe, het ek gedink dat ek in ‘n soortgelyke situasie sou wees, jare later nie. Maar, hier is ek, met geen hare op my kop en nou moet ek deur die emosies werk van haar verlies.

‘n Ruk gelede het my man en ‘n kliënt my oortuig om te dink daaraan om ‘n pruik te dra. Dit was nie vir my ‘n opsie nie, want ek het regtig gedink ek sou deur die proses kom sonder om ‘n pruik te dra, want dis mos deel van die proses, nie waar nie? Ek het deur die emosies van haar verlies gewerk, gehuil wanneer ek wou huil en het aanbeweeg. Om groot te gaan met grimering en oorbelle, veral die weke wat ek beter voel tussen behandelings, het aan die orde van die dag geword. Wanneer ek uit die huis gegaan het, het ek ‘n kopdoek oor my kop gesit.

Ek besluit toe om maar die pruik ding ‘n kans te gee, siende dat hulle my oortuig het (ek het nie verskriklike oortuiging nodig gehad nie, moet ek by sê). ‘n Vriendin van my, Lorinda, het aangebied om my te help met die kies van ‘n pruik en om my heen en weer te karwei. Ek maak toe ‘n afspraak vir een Saterdag oggend en daar gaan ons Linden toe, in Johannesburg. Die plek waar ek ‘n afspraak het, word genoem A Few Gray Hairs. ‘n Woordspeling, want haar embleem is ‘n klomp hasies of seker eerder konyne (hairs in Engels). Hier ontmoet ons Delia Dashwood.

Delia begin eers deur ons die Wetenskap agter hare en die haarfollikel (sjoe is hierdie spelling reg?) te verduidelik. Daar is soveel inligting wat deurgegee word, ons het nie die realiteit besef en verstaan van wat gebeur wanneer iemand Chemoterapie ontvang nie. Ek het wel geweet dat hare vinnig groeiende selle is en dit is hoekom die Chemo dit eerste takel (kanker is ook ‘n vinnige groeiende en verdelende sel en daarom dat Chemo toegedien word). Wat ek nie geweet het nie, is weens die behandeling, word die haarskag (daar waar die hare vanuit groei) se vorm verander. Delia het soveel terme genoem, dit voel of ek niks van dit kan onthou nie, so ek gaan nie eens probeer om dit oor te dra nie.

Die Chemo maak nie die hare dood nie, so hulle gaan nie weg gaan en nooit weer groei nie. Hulle word maar net geteiken wanneer behandeling ontvang word en daarom die rede dat dit uitval. Dit word nie toegelaat om te verdeel en groei soos altyd, wanneer die liggaam nie behandeling ontvang nie. Die Chemo veroorsaak inflammasie van een of ander aard rondom die haarfollikel (ai tog ek moet seker maar die spelling gaan navors – dit pla my nou – ek het gou gaan Google dis wragties reg!). Die inflammasie is dan wat die gevolg het dat dit seer is wanneer dit uitval. Sy het verduidelik dat daar ‘n klier op die kopvel is, wat olie produseer en wat ookal die hare nodig het om te groei, die natuurlike sjampoe en conditioner (wat is dit tog in Afrikaans? Google laat my in die steek want ek kry net lugverkoeler en dis nie wat dit is nie, en iets wat ek geweet het van airconditioner…).

Ek het geleer dat ek nie veronderstel was om my hare met ‘n skeermes af te skeer nie. OEPS! Ek het dit twee weke terug gedoen, want die haarverlies met die kort stompies vir hare het net ‘n irritasie geword! Ek het verder ook geleer dat ek nie enige produkte soos rome en olies op my kop moet sit nie. Dit gaan heelwaarskynlik tot die gevolg hê dat die opening by die kopvel, geblok sal word en nog inflammasie veroorsaak. Dit sal weer die risiko vir infeksie tot gevolg hê. Iets wat ek nou moet vermy….

Sy het verder verduidelik dat die verandering aan die haarskag en haarfollikel, sal veroorsaak dat die hare nie sal uitgroei soos vantevore nie. Voorheen sou die skaf en follikel meer reguit wees, maar die Chemo veroorsaak dat dit minder reguit sal wees, amper met ‘n kronkel en kinkel hier en daar. Dit veroorsaak weer dat die hare krullerig uitgroei. Hulle noem dit Chemo krulle of Chemo curl in Engels. Dit neem ongeveer 2 jaar vir die hare om na normaal terug te keer en ek was ook vertel dat dit hoogswaarskynlik is dat dit grys gaan uitgroei….

Sy het verder verduidelik, dat in haar 30 jaar van haarkappery ervaring, dat sy agter gekom het dat kliënte ongeveer 10 minute neem om gewoond te raak aan drastiese veranderinge aan hul hare. Of dit nou ‘n vrywillige of onvrywillige, drastiese haarkleur verandering of haarstyl was. Die reaksies was dieselfde. Sy het toe besluit dat sy haar kliënte self hul hare uitkam net na dit gekleur of gesny was. Sy sou hulle vir ongeveer 10 minute alleen los om net dit self te verwerk. Sy het verduidelik dat dieselfde horme, Kortisol, vrygestel word as wanneer jy in ‘n veg of vlug situasie is. Die dosis is aansienlik minder en ons liggame voel dit nie noodwendig nie, maar die realiteit is, dis daar.

Dit is hoekom ons hierdie emosionele konneksie het met ons hare. Dit is hoekom ek, toe ek deur die proses van hare korter sny gegaan het en deur die haarverlies gewerk het, op sosiale media ‘n inskrywing geplaas het dat dit nie net hare is nie. My eie haarkapper het al in die verlede vir my gevra, wanneer ek my hare wil sny of ‘n drastiese verandering doen, of ek nie deur ‘n emosionele iets gaan nie? Ek het toe besef, dat, wanneer jy niks in jou huidige omstandighede kan verander nie, jy emosioneel begin voeI. Jy val dan terug na die een ding waaroor jy beheer het en wat jy kan verander, en wat jou hopelik beter laat voel na jy dit gedoen het – jou hare verander. Nou maak dinge soveel meer sin vir my.

Ons het toe verder gegaan om die pruike te bespreek en hul materiaal aan die binnekant. Die verskille tussen sintetiese hare en regte mens hare. Sy het die materiaal aan die binnekant met voertuie vergelyk. ‘n Honda Jazz teenoor ‘n BMW. Natuurlik is die BMW baie meer gemaklik, maar dit was die prys wat my laat besluit het om eerder maar die Honda te kies bo die BMW….regte mens hare het ook vir my soos ‘n beter opsie gelyk, omdat dit langer sal hou as sintetiese hare, wat nie van wrywing hou nie. Ons almal weet ook hoe ‘n Barbie pop se hare na ‘n ruk lyk, en ek wil nie soos daai Barbie lyk nie…

Terwyl ek die pruike op my kop gepas het, was ek nogals verbaas oor hoe vreemd dit vir my gevoel het. Ek het so gewoond geraak om geen hare te hê nie, noudat ek weer hare op my kop het en dit uit die hoek van my oog sien, was dit net WEIRD! My hele gesig het weer verander toe ek hare op my kop het. Daar was een pruik, wat Lorinda, agter gekom het, dat my gesigsuitdrukking meer verander het as toe ek ander gepas het. Nie eens ek het dit agter gekom nie! Maar Lorinda het dit agter gekom. Ek het nie besef dat ek eintlik hare wou hê nie. Ek het regtig gedink ek het deur dit gewerk om nie hare te hê nie en dat ek gemaklik was met dit. Want ek was. Maar wow, met hare, dis net op ‘n ander vlak.

Oppad huis toe, het Lorinda, my gevra wat gaan ons die pruik noem? Sy moet ‘n naam hê. Iets elegant en koninklik. Maar ek kon net nie dink aan ‘n naam nie. Kort na ons vertek het by Delia se salon, bel my man my. Natuurlik was hy baie nuuskierig oor die keuse en of ons reg gekom het. Ek het hom toe net geantwoord en gesê hy moet maar wag en sien. Ek vra hom toe vir ‘n naam vir haar, iets wat nie cheesy of af klink nie. Iets mooi. Dit was hy wat toe voorgestel het Rachel (nie die Afrikaanse Ragel nie – die Engelse uitspraak). Sy word benoem na Rachel van die Friends reeks. Sy het mos altyd hierdie perfekte hare gehad.

Ek en Lorinda het sommer dadelik van die voorstel gehou en dis wat ons haar nou noem. Rachel (onthou – nie Ragel nie) is nou deel van my lewe vir hoe lank ookal dit nodig is vir haar om te bly. Sodat ek ‘n mate van normaliteit onder my huidige omstandighede, wat ek myself in bevind, kan hê. My kinders se reaksie was priceless soos hulle in Engels sê. My seun het dadelik opgespring van die stoel waar hy gesit het, reg om my met ‘n breë glimlag te groet en te sê dat hy daarvan hou. My dogter het ook na my gehardloop met ‘n groot glimlag op haar gesig.

My man het net daar gestaan en staar, gesê dis vreemd om my nou weer met hare te sien, maar dit lyk mooi vir hom ook. Hy was verbaas oor hoe natuurlik dit lyk. Ek het regtig gedink dat my kinders so bietjie verboureerd gaan wees deur die hare, maar duidelik het geen hare ‘n groter en erger effek op hulle gehad. Niemand het ooit my ongemaklik laat voel sonder hare nie, hulle het ook niks oor dit gesê nie. Maar diep binne in hulle, het hulle tog emosies weggesteek, om my te sien sonder hare. Hulle het dit diep weg gebêre, sonder dat enige van ons dit besef het.

Ek het so ‘n aangename ervaring gehad by A Few Gray Hairs saam met Delia. Sy het regtig alles verduidelik, sonder om ongeduldig te wees en sonder om net in te spring om pruike te pas, vir sommer net se sommer se pas en om ‘n pruik te smous. Delia doen regtig goeie werk, sy maak ook self pruike van hare wat geskenk word. Sy gaan om by skole en sny ‘n stukkie van meisies se ponies af om te gebruik in pruike. Dis nie opsigtelik nie, so dis nie asof hulle met ‘n hap in hul hare rondloop nie. Die pruik wat ek gekies het is ingevoer van Amerika af, want dit was dadelik beskikbaar om huis toe te neem (wat ek eintlik geheimsinnig by myself gehoop het die geval sou wees, voordat ons soontoe gegaan het). Ek het die keuse om te wag vir een om gemaak te word, maar, het besluit dat die een wat ek gepas het, die regte kleur en lengte was, en ook goed gepas het op my kop. Delia, vanuit die diepte van my hart, bedank ek jou vir wat jy doen. Vir die goeie dade wat jy doen deur pruike te maak om aan almal se behoeftes te voorsien – van gratis pruike wat geskenk word, tot handgemaakte pruike asook ingevoerde pruike. Mag jy in oorvloed geseën word vir jou mooi hart.

Posted on Leave a comment

Die woord / The word

Het jy al ooit gewonder waar kom wysheid vandaan? Dink jy dis jy of iets anders? Ek weet wysheid kom van God af. Hierdie vers bevestig dit, dat Sy woord in ons moet woon in ALLE wysheid.

Not partial wisdom or 10% wisdom. No in ALL wisdom which to me implies 100% wisdom….we are also instructed to teach each other and to correct each other with psalms and praises. Not by shouting, yelling or out of own insight.

Dawid het meeste van Psalms geskryf (daar was een wat deur Moses geskryf was sover ek weet en iets wat ek onlangs geleer het). Nou Dawid het sy hart oopgemaak teenoor die Here. As hy gewonder het waar sy hulp vandaan kom, of as hy angstig was.

There is a reason the writer of this verse refers to Psalms in this scripture and I think it is to remind us that we are only human. If we were perfect we would not need Jesus, but we strive to become more holy and like Christ on a daily basis.

Wanneer jy Psalms lees sien jy so te sê al Dawid se emosies. Tog draai hy heeltyd terug na God toe. As hy angstig gevoel het, soek hy sy hulp by God. As hy teneergedruk was – soek hy God. So kan ek deur al die emosies gaan.

Then this scripture talks about singing praises and showing gratitude towards God. And those praises are also written in Psalms….wow, how wonderful is it not to know that even if you feel at your lowest low, you can turn to God. He is always there for you no matter how blue you feel.

Die belangrikste van alles is om dankbaar te wees vir alles. En om God te eer altyd. Dis wat ek probeer doen. Ongeag my omstandighede, ongeag hoe ek voel wanneer ek behandeling kry. Ek weet ek kan altyd na God draai, Hom loof en prys met dankbaarheid.

💪🏻let’s do this day! ™️

🦩

Posted on Leave a comment

Follow up sonar

Praise the Lord! Went for a follow up sonar at Prof Joseph and the one lymph node has shrunk in size, as well as the lump itself. The other lymph node seems to be unchanged. All of this is good news!

We forgot to take a pic at the Breast Clinic but took one in the car on the way home….and yes I missed the flamingo on my shirt again 🙈

🦩

#pienkvere #pinkfeathersrange #uitdiepenvannberoepsvrou #pienkverereeks #pienkverevirdiehere #pinkfeathersforgod #pinkfeathers #breast_cancer_awareness

Posted on Leave a comment

Wat my volg / What follows me

Elke keer wanneer ek die bybelversie lees, kan ek nie help om te dink aan Jenna-Leigh Bilong van ENCA nuus nie. Sy het altyd afgesluit met die woorde Goedheid en guns. Toe praat sy eendag in ons kerk en verduidelik dat dit haar manier was om God se woord te versprei in ‘n omgewing waar jy nie regtig enige tipe geloof mag bevorder of bevoordeel nie….

And what a wonderful way it was not to do something as small and subtle like this? Because it stuck with me and she was actually blessing people with her words. Because is that not what we all want? Blessings of favour and goodness from God?

So wonderlik om te dink dat Goedheid en Guns my volg. Nie langs my stap of doer ver voor my nie, maar wel agter my. So asof dit soos voetspore is wat agter gelaat word… So wonderlik om ook te weet dat ek ook in die huis van die Here sal bly in lengte van dae. Ek wonder wat bedoel Dawid hier? Lengte van dae op aarde of die ewigheid of beide?

Either way, it is a very good place to dwell in. The house of the Lord. That is what we all want, because that is the safest place that we can be in! I want to bless you with the words – Goodness and Favour – may these follow you every day while you are on earth and may you dwell in the house of the Lord throughout all your days and experience God’s presence like never before!

💪let’s do this day! ™

Posted on Leave a comment

The one with the hair (again)…

So this is just a brief thing to share what is happening on my journey.

A proper blog entry will follow, as this truly deserves an entry, because again – it is not just hair.

The kids’ reaction was priceless as was my husband’s.

Her name is Rachel and she will be with me for the next few months….I did not realise that I needed hair. I really thought I was ok without it, and I was.

But when I put her on, it just did something for me, something I did not realise that was missing, something that will help to get through this – in the physical of course.

And a big special thanks to a special friend….thanks Lorinda! I appreciate you so much more than you will ever know!

Posted on Leave a comment

Cryday

Almost every day of the week that I receive Chemotherapy, feels like Cryday. I am struggling to discern the days of the week, because every day I just feel like crying. The Mondays are normally the worst. The drips hurt and it seems that I am the exception to the rule, being that one person whose drips leak into the tissue in my arm. According to the info brochure that I received; it is not something that is “likely” to happen.

The Tuesday is normally a bit better, but that is all before receiving the injection that produces white blood cells in my body. You see, it is not the Chemo that is killing the intruder in my body. It is the white blood cells – the Chemo makes it vulnerable and then the army that is being produced in my body, comes and attack it (with force of course, like only white blood cells can do). This was merely round number two. Four more to go. Words that are so cheap and easy to say. Words, that no one realise, are not easy for me to say.

I say it, but cringe as I say it, because I know what each number from 1 to 6 mean to me.How my body feels. For the first time in my life, I can feel the difference in my body when I eat. Especially in Treatment week, it is as if I can feel I need food. The moment that I eat, I feel better. But, when it takes longer than what is allowed, to get something to eat, my oh my, then my body has a protest of its own!

I took so many things for granted. Things like being able to make and pack school lunch boxes, feeding the house dogs, bathing, getting dressed and putting on make-up. Everything comes so easy when your body is not weak. Everybody comments on how brave I am and how well I am handling this thing. Then I hear the devil stir in my thoughts, saying it is all fake. You are fake. You only post the beautiful photos of yourself with make-up on.

At first I believed the father of all lies. You see, my whole world and life has been ripped out from under my feet. This is truly a season in my life where I am stripped from everything. From my hair, nails (yes, I now have to patiently wait for it all to grow out), being able to function like normal to exercise, even my work (even if it was jam packed with stress, it helped me to develop into the person that I am today). My work is something that I know how to do it. I am sure if you were to wake me at 3 am in the morning, with some or another tax question, I would be more than likely be able to steer you into the right direction for the solution.

Fact is, I don’t know how to be the way I am now. To be able to function normally just does not exist. Nothing happens the way it always did. During treatment week, I do not have energy to sit up straight, quickly write a bible verse, making the video and then do my thoughts about that verse. It feels like I am busy losing my pink feathers®. I just cannot seem to feed myself spiritually within God’s word. The best that I can so is to put on praise & worship music. That is all that I can do now.

Bathroom crying has become a norm and in the order of the day. There I cannot distinguish between tears, bath water or shower water (the days that I do have energy to shower). The house is normally quiet, my husband would have taken the kids to school and then I can cry like a girl and call out to God over and over to just stop this process. God, can it not just stop? I find myself asking over and over. The day before the very first treatment, I found myself asking God Why God? Why this? Why me? WHY? During the first treatment cycle, I woke up one morning early, shortly after asking my questions to God. I sleep with praise & worship music too…. that morning when I woke up, I was wide awake. The words that were playing on the speaker was from Mercy Me‘s Dear Younger Me. The words that I clearly heard were Dear Younger Me, It’s not your fault. You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross… This was the first time that I heard God audible in this manner.

So many people check in via Whatsapp, sending scriptures, praying for me. I pray that this will be over quickly and that I will stop thinking about Treatment Day, with the vile taste of medicine in my mouth. I pray that my body will continue to respond to treatment. This thing must now be over and done with. Every time that I think about treatment day, I feel nauseous. It is as if I am trying to get it out of my system. I think for the first time in my life, I understand Philippians 3:13-14 better: Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [heavenly] prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I try not to think about how it felt. I am trying to ignore the taste in my mouth. I am trying to continue to function as normally as I can. It is hard, but I try. Yes, I have always been someone to only place pretty pictures on social media, who wants to post pictures without make-up (and in my case without hair too) of themselves on social media? During all of this, I start to understand so many more bible verses better. It just starts to make more sense to me. Only when one goes through something like this, where you are stripped of literally everything and kneel before God with literally with nothing, in prayer and begging Him to let this cup pass you, then, and only then, do you start to realise the true value of life.

The most important to me, in all of this, is to acknowledge and see God in everything in this process. Even if it is not nice. Because of that reason, I decided to share this journey with the world. So that people can see what God can do for them, irrespective of the circumstances that you find yourself in. I think it is normal to be sad, to cry, to beg that this should pass. But God stays in the middle of it all. He brought me to this, and He will carry me. It is not easy for me, but it is what it is.

Thankfully, the smiles on the photos of Heinrich and I are everything but fake. If there is one thing that we have learnt in all of this (and basically any situation that you find yourself in) – you can either sit in a little pathetic heap, swaying back and forth while consuming a can of worms, or you can lie in bed while having movie marathons while you recover and heal. The moment that you feel better and become healthier, then you can get up, shake off the dust that tried to settle and go on. A good sense of humour helps and goes a long way. Normally before every photo, Heinrich does something funny like pull his face in a weird way, so that I cannot help but laugh at him.

My sense of humour is very important to me and helps to carry me through it all. I was extremely sad about my hair, but now I must make the best of it. Poena Potgieter I heard myself say to my husband. He laughed and it is as if everything became normal for us in these circumstances. The little hair stubs irritate me, it feels like Velcro. It clings to my pillow when I move while sleeping.

The half outgrown acrylic nails is even more of an irritation. Small things that I must face frequently, having to deal with it to remember what the end goal is. To be healthy. To do what God wants me to do and be where He needs me to be. Inside the fiery furnace. It is very hot inside that place and one sweats perfusely. I always say sweating like a pig, but I honestly don’t know if pigs can sweat. The story about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego tells us that they walked out of the fiery furnace alive and they did not smell of smoke, nor did their hair or clothes burn.

The Bible does not say anything about their emotions. Or whether they were sweaty. But the Bible teaches us that they walked out unharmed. This is what I trust God for. To walk out of there with no damage. Yes, I may smell a bit like sweat, but, I will not be scortched and I will not smell of smoke. As I am typing this, I feel the Holy Spirit talking to me, reminding me of the scripture from Philippians. Stop thinking about the Monday that you received treatment… I hear the whispering in my spirit. Stretch out to what lies ahead.

I cannot help but know that everything will work out for the greater good. In spite of everything that happens, how terrible and emotional I feel during Treatment Week, I will be ok. More than ok. In the mean time I must do what I must do to spread God’s word wherever I go. Whether it be at the Oncologist or at any other doctor’s office, God’s word will be spread. With a grateful heart, grateful that I know God and have Him in my life, I want to close off. I have found myself saying over and over, that I do not know how people do it without Him. How does one get through something like this without Him? Then I hear the words from Mercy Me again…Dear Younger Me, It’s not your fault….