Month: April 2023

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Fake-it-till-you-make-it-day

When I started to write this piece, I was feeling a bit blue. Initially, I thought I was not going to publish this at all, but, as true and faithful as God is, He showed me the light and I decided to proceed with the publication of this, as the purpose of the blog is to show people that I am only human and that God picks me up when I feel down and out. The days leading up to Fake-it-till-you-make-it-day AKA my Birthday (in April and shortly after the Easter weekend) was rather interesting. My outlook on life and how quickly time goes seems to be changing as rapidly as the wind and tides change. You see, for a long time, even before reaching the age of 40, I have been realising just how short our time on earth is. Watching the movie The Intern with Robert Dinero and Anne Hathaway in the leading roles, made me realise or rather recap this even more.

The movie starts with Robert Dinero as Ben, a 70 year old retired widower, telling this modern, online business, why they should hire him as a senior intern as advertised. He talks about his wife who had passed away three years earlier, how tough retirement is when you have nothing to get up for and how he coped with being retired and alone. He decided to have an attitude of getting out of the house in the mornings to be at the local Star Bucks at a certain time daily. That gave him purpose.

Now back to my life, that makes me think of what we perceive to be the distant future. The reality is, it is closer than what we can ever think. Just yesterday I was 21 years old. In the blink of an eye it is 21 years later and I am celebrating my 42nd birthday. I still cannot seem to get over the fact that I am getting older. I really had this thing in my mind, when I was in my twenties and even thirties, that I don’t think I will ever get THERE you know? Grow old, because it is just so far away and so far in the distant future. NEWS FLASH to all the twenty-something-year-olds reading this – life happens, time goes by! You will age, you will get older. Your kids will leave the house and start their own families and lives without you as their primary care-giver.

2023 marks the year that I know my husband for half of my life. Say what now? Yes, read that again. I have known my husband for HALF OF MY LIFE! Old people know people for half of their lives! Not me! In my mind I am still a 20-something year old. In my mind, I am still 24, still have dreams of becoming fitter and more toned, doing things that my heart desires rather than what pays the bills.

I still have all these plans and dreams, some of which, seem to be ridiculous at this age – the one of becoming more toned for one, seems to be the most ridiculous of them all, yet, I am religiously following my dream, going to the gym three times per week now. I have come to a point, where I am realising that One Day may just not arrive for certain goals I had set for myself unintentionally at a very young age. Having a more than hectic first quarter for 2023, ending up with Vertigo, which is stress related, just makes me weigh up everything in life, especially the work-life balance that I am trying so hard to achieve. I think my biggest wish or goal rather at this stage, is to not be exhausted when it comes to the birthdays of my family members, including my own.

You see, being a Chartered Accountant in business is very stressful. The demands to keep all the balls in the air are just becoming more hectic. As times change, the workload increases. Systems change and every “little” additional thing that we have to send to authorities, effectively adds about 15 to 30 minutes to our already overloaded work schedule. For years I could not figure out why we could just never get ahead with our work. Then it struck me. It is all these changes in systems, things that authorities just expect to happen, without undue interference or hinderance from our side.

Not even to mention the impact that load-shedding has on running a business. We lose internet signal at times, having to live without cell phone reception and internet connectivity for a few hours up to a few days at times (in the extreme cases, which, thank goodness, does not occur frequently. But it normally happens at a critical time). Everything is online you know. Then you cannot do your work. You cannot send e-mails, cannot submit returns. It becomes a frustration.

Anyway, I am NOT here to sing a moan song about the stress of my job, because, at the end of the day I chose my day job, not the other way around. So, I have to make peace with that which I chose to make a living for myself and my family. Back to the day before my birthday. It is Monday evening, 10 April 2023. I am a bit teary eyed, because man, turning 42 felt worse than turning 40. My husband tries to encourage me before we go to put the kids to bed. Lying next to my daughter, now 9 years old, I was silently crying to myself. She turns to me and asks me what is wrong?

Next thing I see, she turns on her bedside lamp, looks me in the eyes and asks me why I think I feel this way. This to me, was so mature for a 9-year-old. I continue to chat with her, telling her that I feel like a bad mother. I feel like I am not nurturing enough, not showing sufficient sympathy and empathy when they are sick or not feeling well. I feel like my impatience is making me a bad mother. I even ended my sentence crying, saying that I am not like her. Because, man oh man, she has a nurturing personality. Something that does not come naturally for me.

She answers that statement by saying that when her tonsils were sick, I took her to the hospital to have them removed. So, I am a good mother. When I responded saying that I did not show much sympathy and empathy with her with the pain, because I got cross with her for being stubborn and not drinking her medication like she should have, she shrugged her shoulders, saying “Such is life.” We continued the conversation, I continued to say that I feel bad that I cannot give her everything that her heart desires. She again answered me with “Such is life. I cannot get a new game on the cell phone I play with every day.”

When I heard these very mature answers from my 9-year-old daughter, I realised that I am doing something right somewhere. All the Ethics training and Tall Trees analysis of my own personality, EI Activator courses and all the other stuff that I do rather than just boring work-related training (this training counts for CPD points by the way), made me realise that it is not in vain. It is starting to pay off. Even if I still have a mountain of training to catch up on, something is working somewhere. I am contributing to the next generation. Trying to raise children with responsibility, accountability, empathy, sympathy, humanity, nurturing habits. I don’t think I always do everything right, but, when I have a day like that and end it off with a conversation like this with my daughter, then I know I cannot call my birthday Fake-it-till-you-make-it-day. Because in reality, I am not faking it, I am actually making it.

All the Glory be to God always. For the instincts He places within us as parents. All the guidance He provides through His word. For being able to call myself a child of God, being so privileged to be chosen by Him first and having this ministry to share with other moms out there, who may be feeling the same emotions and issues than what I am feeling. We are going to be ok. We are making mistakes as we go along, but that is human nature. With God by our side, we cannot help but bear forward and Make it rather than Fake it till you make it. Here is to all the moms out there, feeling like failures! You are not a failure and you are not alone! God is always with you and all those other moms around you, who seem to have it all together, is fighting just as hard to keep on keeping on.

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Maak of jy dit oorleef dag…

Toe ek hierdie stuk begin skryf het, het ek so bietjie blou gevoel. Aanvanklik het ek gedink ek gaan nie die stuk publiseer nie, maar, so getrou as wat God is, het Hy my die lig gewys en ek het besluit om tog maar voort te gaan om hierdie stuk te publiseer. Die doel van die webjoernaal is tog om mense te wys dat ek ook net ‘n mens is en dat God my optel wanneer ek so bietjie down & out is. Die dae wat gelei het tot Maak-of-jy-dit-oorleef-dag AKA my Verjaarsdag (in April en kort na die Paasnaweek) was redelik interessant gewees. My uitkyk op die lewe en hoe vinnig tyd gaan, voel of dit nogals so vinnig verander soos wat die wind draai en die getye verander. Jy sien, vir ‘n geruime tyd al, nog voordat ek die ouderdom van 40 bereik het, het ek begin besef hoe kort ons tyd op aarde werklik is. Na ek die fliek The Intern met Robert Dinero en Anne Hathaway in die hoofrolle gekyk het, het dit my net nog meer dit laat besef, of eerder recap oor dit.

Die fliek begin met Robert Dinero wat die rol van Ben vertolk, ‘n 70-jarige, afgetrede wewenaar, wat vir ‘n jong, moderne aanlyn besigheid vertel hoekom hulle hom as ‘n senior klerk moet huur soos wat hulle geadverteer het. Hy praat van sy vrou wat oorlede is drie jaar van te vore, hoe moeilik aftrede is, veral as jy niks het om voor op te staan in die oggende nie en hoe hy oorleef het met aftrede en om alleen te wees. Hy het besluit om ‘n uitkyk en houding te hê om iets te soek om voor op te staan en een van sy daaglikse doelwitte was om elke oggend teen ‘n sekere tyd by die plaaslike Star Bucks te wees. Dit het vir hom ‘n doel gegee in die lewe.

Nou terug na my lewe, die storie het my laat dink aan wat ons almal sien as die verre toekoms. Die werklikheid is, dis nader as wat ons ooit kan dink. Net gister was ek 21 jaar oud. In ‘n oogwink is dit 21 jaar later en ek vier my 42ste verjaarsdag. Ek kan steeds nie oor die feit kom dat ek ouer word nie. Ek het regtig die ding in my kop gehad, veral toe ek in my twintigs, en selfs vroeë dertigs was, dat ek nooit DAAR sal kom nie jy weet? Oud word, want dis net so ver in die toekoms, dit voel amper onwerklik dat mens kan verouder. NUUS FLITS vir al die twintig-jariges wat dit lees – die lewe gebeur en tyd stap aan!! Jy gaan verouder en ouer word. Jou kinders gaan die huis verlaat en hul eie families en lewens begin, sonder om afhanklik te wees van jou as hul primêre versorger.

2023 merk die jaar dat ek my man vir helfde van my lewe ken. Sê wat nou? Ja, lees dit weer. Ek ken my man vir HELFDE VAN MY LEWE! Ou mense ken mense vir helfde van hul lewens! Nie ek nie! In my kop is ek nog in my twintigs. In my kop is ek nog 24 met drome van fikser en meer toned (by gebrek aan die Afrikaanse woord) wees, om dinge te doen wat my hart begeer eerder as dit wat die rekeninge betaal. Ek het nogals vasgevang geraak in leef vir eendag. Eendag dit en eendag dat.

Ek het nog al hierdie planne en drome, sommige van hulle lyk en klink amper belaglik op hierdie ouderdom. Die een om fikser en meer toned te wees, is heelwaarskynlik die mees belaglikste een van hulle almal. Tog volg ek getrou my droom en meld aan my die plaaslike gimnasium drie maal per week. Ek het op ‘n punt in my lewe gekom dat ek besef het dat Eendag net dalk nie gaan arriveer nie, veral vir sekere doelwitte wat ek vir myself, onbewustelik gestel het op ‘n jong ouderdom. Na ‘n wilde woeste eerste kwartaal van 2023, waar ek opgeëindig het met Vertigo, wat gekoppel word aan spanning, maak dat ek net nog meer alles in die lewe opweeg, veral die werk-lewe balans wat ek so hard werk om te vermag. Ek dink my grootste wens of doelwit op die stadium van my lewe, is om nie so uitgeput te wees wanneer dit kom by verjaarsdae van my gesin nie, myne ingesluit.

Jy sien, om ‘n Geoktrooieerde Rekenmeester in besigheid te wees, tap nogals baie uit mens uit met baie druk en spanning wat saam met dit gaan. Die vereistes om al die balle in die lug te hou, word net meer en meer. Soos wat die tye verander, verhoog die werkslading. Sisteme verander en elke liewe “klein” addisionele ding wat ons vir owerhede moet stuur, dra by tot effektief omtrent 15 min tot ‘n halfuur se ekstra werk, in ‘n reeds oorvol werkskedule. Vir jare kon ek nie uitwerk hoekom ons net nie voor kan kom met ons werk nie. Toe tref dit my. Dis al die veranderinge in sisteme, dinge wat die owerhede net verwag om te gebeur, moeiteloos en sonder enige opondhoud van ons kant af.

Nie eens om te noem watter impak beurtkrag het op die bestuur van ‘n besigheid nie. Die ergste is seker die internet sein wat ons soms in die steek laat as gevolg van beurtkrag. Alles is mos aanlyn jy weet? Dan kan jy nie jou werk doen nie. Jy kan nie e-posse stuur nie en kan nie opgawes indien nie. Dit raak ‘n frustrasie. Elkgeval, en is NIE hier om ‘n klaaglied te sing oor die spanning van my werk nie, want, op die ou einde van die dag, het ek my werk gekies en nie andersom nie.

So ek moet vrede maak met dit wat ek gekies het om ‘n lewe en bestaan van te maak vir my en my gesin. Terug na die dag voor my verjaarsdag. Dis Maandagaand, 10 April 2023. Ek is so bietjie emosioneel, want, liewe hemel, om 42 te word het erger gevoel as om 40 te word. My man probeer my bemoedig voordat ons die kinders in die bed sit. Soos wat ek langs my dogtertjie lê, nou 9 jaar oud, het ek stilweg gehuil by myself. Sy draai na my en vra my wat fout is?

Volgende oomblik sien ek sy sit haar bedlampie aan, kyk my in die oë en vra my hoekom ek dink ek so voel? Vir my was dit so ‘n volwasse ding vir ‘n 9 jarige. Ek hou aan om met haar te gesels, te vertel dat ek soos ‘n slegte ma voel. Ek voel of ek nie genoeg koestering en versorging bied nie, nie genoeg simpatie en empatie wanneer hulle siek is of nie lekker voel nie. Ek voel of my ongeduld van my ‘n baie slegte ma maak. Ek het selfs my sin geëindig met ‘n tranerige antwoord dat ek nie soos sy is nie. Liewe aarde, daardie klein mensie is so ‘n versorgertjie. Iets wat nie natuurlik kom vir my nie.

Sy antwoord daardie stelling van my, deur te sê toe haar mangels siek was, het ek haar hospitaal toe gevat om dit uit te haal. So ek is ‘n goeie mamma. Toe ek reageer op dit om te sê dat ek nie genoeg simpatie en empatie met haar gehad het met die pyn na die tyd nie, want ek het kwaad geraak omdat sy hardkoppig was en nie haar medisyne wou drink soos sy moes nie, trek sy haar skouers op en sê “Dis die lewe.” Ons gesprek gaan voort en ek gaan voort om te sê dat ek sleg voel dat ek nie altyd alles vir haar kan gee wat haar hart begeer nie. Sy antwoord my met “Dis die lewe. Ek kan nie elke dag ‘n nuwe gamepie aflaai op die selfoon nie.”

Toe ek hierdie baie volwasse antwoorde van my 9 jarige dogtertjie af hoor, besef ek dat ek iewers iets reg doen. Al die Etiese opleiding en Tall Trees analise van my eie persoonlikheid, EI Activator kursusse en al die ander goed wat ek doen, eerder as om net vervelige opleiding te doen wat direk aan my werk gekoppel is (hierdie ander opleiding tel vir my CPD punte net so tussen ons), het my laat besef dat niks verniet is nie. Ek begin die vrugte pluk. Selfs al het ek nog ‘n BERG van opleiding om te doen en in te haal, is iets iewers besig om te werk. Ek is besig om ‘n bydra te maak tot die volgende generasie. Ek probeer kinders grootmaak wat verantwoordelikheidsin het, wat rentmeesters kan wees van dit wat aan hulle toevertrou word, om empatie, simpatie, en wie weet watter ander goeie morele waardes nog te hê. Ek dink nie ek doen altyd alles reg nie, maar, wanneer ek ‘n dag het soos daardie en dit afgesluit word met ‘n gesprek soos dit met my dogter, dan weet ek dat ek my verjaarsdag nie Maak-of-jy-dit-oorleef-dag noem nie – of in Engels Fake it till you make it day. Want, ek is nie besig om te maak of ek dit reg doen en kry nie. Ek is werklik besig om iets reg te kry en te oorleef.

Al die eer aan God altyd. Vir die instinkte wat Hy binne ons plaas as ouers. Al die leiding wat Hy gee deur Sy woord. Om myself ‘n kind van God te kan noem, om so bevoorreg te kan wees om eerste deur Hom gekies te word en om hierdie bediening te hê waar ek met soveel mammas daarbuite my emosies en uitdagings te kan deel. Ons gaan ok wees. Ons maak foute soos ons aangaan, maar dis die menslike natuur. Met God aan ons sy, kan ons nie anders as om vorentoe te beur nie, en om eerder dit te Maak as om voor te gee dat ons dit wel reg kry. Hier is vir al die mamma’s daarbuite, wat soos mislukkings voel – jy is nie alleen nie! God is altyd met jou en al hierdie ander mamma’s om jou, al lyk sommige van hulle of hulle alles in orde het – hulle is ook besig om hard te baklei om net vorentoe te beur. Jy is nie alleen nie.

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Deed and truth

I cannot help but wonder what is actually busy happening to time. I am not finding time to write like I used to in the past. Come to think of it, I am not finding time to do anything it seems. My circumstances have changed, no doubt about that, but can it truly have such a big influence? Anyway, on the last day of April, I am finally finding time to write about this month’s scripture. Now, I have been thinking about it for a while now, chewing on what I want to say. Maybe it is not really the being busy that is hindering me to write, but rather what I feel I want to say about the scripture, that is truly the hold up here. I do not want to write for the sake of writing you know.

Now this month’s verse is yet again very interesting to me, especially the manner in which God is busy breaking it open to understand it from a different point of view. When you love someone, then you say it to them, right? But with it comes other things too. You treat the person nicely and do things for them, because you love them, something that you may not do for a total stranger.

The part of the verse that stands out the most is in the last part. The word – truth. You see, when you truly love someone, you will also tell them the truth. You will not tell them stories and things that are contradicting to love. Now here is the other deep part of the verse, if I can put it that way. Who must we love? A question that Jesus answered the Pharisees and other people who studied the bible (whose collective name I cannot think of right now in this moment). We must love our neighbours as ourselves.

Wow! So, in other words, this verse is applicable to all people, not only those close to you and with whom you have a relationship with. I don’t think this implies that we have to say that we love people whom we do not know from a bar of soap! Because the word love is deep. But, you must have respect for others, even if you do not know them on a personal level. Showing them that Jesus is within you. The same is applicable to our deeds – we don’t have to do something by moving into someone’s personal space. But, if you are stuck in traffic, you can give a space for the person next to you and in this manner show a deed of love, even if you do not know that person. Does it make sense?

The word I seem to come back to the whole time is truth. What are you busy doing? Are you telling the truth on all levels? Are you telling people of Jesus? He is the truth. Are you speaking the truth when you interact with people and when you are doing business transactions? Do you keep to your word? Are you truly busy showing love through your tongue, forcing yourself to speak the truth, irrespective of the circumstances?

I also don’t think you should tell someone that you do not like the shirt they are wearing, because that is personal taste in my opinion. And when you say things to people in this manner, then you are attacking their personality. Does it make sense what I am trying to say here? The verse makes me think of the English saying Actions speak louder than words. How true are those words? Maybe you have these people in your life, whether it is friends or family. They tell you things that would make you think that you have a good relationship, but their deeds say the contrary. Maybe the truth is lacking a bit in that what is actually busy happening. Respect may be absent – because everything is always about them rather than those around them.

May we be reminded frequently, to show love in deed and in truth, and not only by words and with our tongue. This is not only applicable to fellow humans here on earth. Not at all! Our relationship with God must also be like this! Don’t just say that you love God if your actions and deeds speak the contrary. Where do you stand today? What is your relationship with Him like? Are you truly busy showing Him that you love Him? Or are you getting stuck at a superficial Sunday relationship with Him? Something to think about I would say….

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Daad en waarheid

Ek kan nie help om te wonder wat besig is om te gebeur met tyd nie. Ek kry nie tyd vir skryf soos altyd in die verlede nie. Eintlik kry ek tyd vir niks voel dit vir my! Vir seker het daar goed in my lewe verander, omstandighede, maar kan dit werklik so ‘n groot invloed hê? Nie te min, op die laaste dag van April kom ek uiteindelik by die maand se skrifvers uit. Nou ek dink aan hom al vir ‘n rukkie, en herkou oor wat ek wil sê. Miskien is dit nie regtig die besig wees wat my hinder om te skryf nie, maar dalk eerder dit wat ek voel ek wil sê oor die skrifvers, wat die opondhoud is? Ek wil nie net skryf omdat skryf, skryf is nie jy weet?

Nou die maand se versie is weereens vir my interessant, veral hoe die Here besig is om dit vir my oop te breek en vanuit ‘n ander oogpunt dit te kan verstaan. Wanneer jy lief is vir iemand, dan sê jy dit tog, nie waar nie? Maar saam met dit kom ander goed ook. Jy hanteer die persoon mooi en doen goed vir die persoon, omdat jy lief is vir die persoon, wat jy nie noodwendig sou doen vir ‘n vreemdeling op straat, wat jy van geen kant af ken nie.

Die deel van die vers wat vir my die meeste uitstaan is in die laaste deel. Die woord – waarheid. Jy sien, wanneer jy werklik lief is vir iemand, sal jy ook vir hulle die waarheid vertel. Jy sal nie storietjies hê en dingetjies doen wat kontrasterend is van liefde nie. Nou hier kom die ander diep deel, as ek dit so kan stel van hierdie vers. Wie moet ons lief hê? ‘n Vraag wat Jesus die Skrifgeleerdes geantwoord het. Ons moet ons naaste liefhê soos onsself.

Wow! So met ander woorde, hierdie vers is van toepassing op alle mense, nie net op jou naaste mense met wie jy ‘n diepe verhouding het nie. Ek dink nou nie ons hoef ander mense wat jy van geen kant af ken, te vertel dat jy lief is vir hulle nie, want die woord lief is eintlik maar baie diep! Maar jy moet respek toon vir die mense, al ken jy hulle nie. Naaste liefde betoon op ‘n manier sodat hulle Jesus kan sien in jou. Dieselfde met ons dade – ons hoef nou nie iets te doen wat eintlik in iemand se persoonlike spasie in beweeg nie. Maar, as mens dalk in die verkeer staan, kan jy vir die ou langs jou plek gee om in te beweeg en op so ‘n manier ‘n daad doen wat liefde bewys, al ken jy nie die persoon nie. Maak dit sin?

Die woord waarheen ek heeltyd terug kom is, waarheid. Wat is jy besig om te doen? Verkondig jy die waarheid op alle vlakke vir almal? Vertel jy mense van Jesus? Hy is die waarheid, is Hy nie? Praat jy die waarheid wanneer jy met mense te doen kry en besigheidstransaksies doen? Hou jy by jou woord? Is jy werklik besig om liefde te betoon deur jou tong te dwing om die waarheid te praat, ongeag die omstandighede?

Ek dink ook nie mens hoef nou reguit vir iemand te sê jy hou nie van die hemp wat hulle aan het nie, want dit is mos maar elke ou se smaak is dit nie? En as jy nou goed op die manier vir mense sê, val jy eintlik maar hul karakter aan, doen jy nie? Maak dit sin wat ek probeer deurgee hier? Die vers laat my dink aan die Engelse gesegde Actions speak louder than words. Hoe waar is dit nie net nie? Jy het dalk hierdie mense, of dit nou vriende of familie is, in jou lewe, hulle vertel vir jou alles dat jy dink julle is regtig in ‘n goeie verhouding, maar hul dade bewys die teenoorgestelde. Daar is dalk ‘n gebrek aan waarheid in dit wat werklik besig is om te gebeur. Of wedersydse respek ontbreek – want alles gaan altyd oor hulle eerder as ander rondom hulle.

Mag ons konstant herinner word om nie net met die tong nie, maar in daad en waarheid liefde te bewys. Dit geld nie net vir mede-mense hier op aarde nie. Nee, ons verhouding met die Here moet ook so wees! Moet nie net sê jy is lief vir die Here as jou optrede en dade anders spreek nie. Waar staan jy vandag? Hoe is jou verhouding met God? Is jy werklik besig om vir Hom te wys jy is lief vir Hom? Of haak jy so bietjie vas by ‘n oppervlakkige Sondag verhouding met God? So bietjie iets om oor na te dink sou ek sê….

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Chow, cheers and goodbye

Now let me tell you. To say chow, cheers and goodbye to someone that you know for almost your whole life, sucks, if I can say it like it is, with no tact at all. This past week, I experienced one of those chow, cheers and goodbye days again. The first time that I realised how much it sucked to say chow, cheers and goodbye, was in 2017, when my mom completed her race on earth. Only then did I realise what death really means and entails.

The other time was in 2021. When I had to greet my sister Erika, her husband Jaco and their two children, 580 times (ok not really that much, but it was a lot of times) before they finally left Pretoria to immigrate to New Zealand. To me it felt like I would never, ever, see them in real life, ever again. Never ever. Because I know how expensive it is to travel back and forth. For them and for us.

Well, Tuesday 25 April 2023 marks another chow, cheers and goodbye day. When I had to greet the same brother-in-law (or heavy as we translated swaer directly from Afrikaans to English), after a short visit to South-Africa. On 6 April 2023, he slept over at our house for one night. My instructions to Dora was to get the house spick and span. Everything must be packed away. The floors washed. Everything that could be scrubbed clean, was scrubbed. The house dogs’ blankets were washed. Linnen spray was being sprayed, probably much too often, to ensure that the house smells fresh and nice.

I even purchased new bedside tables for our room, because that is where Jaco was going to sleep that night. I could not let him sleep in a room with lamps that had hanging heads. The lamps had fallen and broken over time, and I just never got round to replacing them. Purely because I could not find something that I liked and seemed to be more durable than the broken ones that were in our bedroom. None the less, that was a very good excuse to replace them even if it was for one night’s stay only.

The one night that he slept over, that feels like months ago, but in reality it was only 2 and half weeks ago on Tuesday, the last day that we got to see him, before he returned to New Zealand. When I read this previous sentence, it did not quite make sense. What I meant to say was, on Tuesday, the last day that we saw him, it was only two and a half weeks before, that he slept over for one evening. I did not want to let him go that first time, so that he can go to his sister in Brits. I did what I could to stretch the visit for as long as I could. Tuesday it was the same thing. The three of us (myself, Jaco and my husband Heinrich) had a lovely Impala coffee while we visited with him like old times. During the conversation, all three of us looked at our watches, hoping the others would not notice it. Knowing that the chow, cheers and goodbye time is slowly creeping closer and closer. We even walked through Impala, just to avoid that moment that we all knew was due to arrive. But then, the unavoidable happened. We all had to part our ways. Jaco had to go to Pretoria and we had to go back to our daily routine of work and collecting kids from school.

I decided to ask for a last in person photo with Jaco, even if it was in the parking area. Heinrich rolled his eyes at me and asked me how many photos I still want to take and have, and whether I want to take another picture, because I am dressed up a bit more than usual? He takes my phone to take the picture. After the photo, we greet for a last time. We cannot prevent the tears from welling up in our eyes. We give each other a hug more than once. Just to be sure that we remember what it feels like to give fleshy hugs to each other. A man passes us in the parking area, probably to do his shopping at Impala, looking at us strangely, especially when I turned away from Jaco after greeting him, with tears in my eyes. I knew if Jaco and I kept eye-contact, we would have cried even more.

I realise more and more how God had to split my sisters and I up, over continents and provinces, so that we can talk to each other more frequently. My other sister left Centurion for Riversdal, while the eldest and her husband Jaco, exchanged South Africa for New Zealand. How ironic is life? You only appreciate someone when they are no longer within your reach. Pretoria is not far from Skeerpoort, yet we did not visit each other that frequently when they were in Pretoria. Before kids, it was well the case, we visited more frequently, but, as time passed, adding little feet to each of our families, the visits started to become less and less….

I was grateful for each second I had with Jaco. Even if it was not as much as I had hoped for, it is still something I will treasure in my heart for ever. Erika and Jaco – I miss you guys more than you will ever know. Like everything in life that is hard for me to process, I try not to think about it the whole time. Because, if I do, then I will be this miserable heap of tears and crying the whole time! One cannot help but to be sad from longing for people that you have known your whole life!

Until we see each other again. Hopefully soon. I pray that our ship will come in and that we will not be waiting at the airport, missing it in the process! I know my brother-in-law for 28 years. Old people know each other for 28 years. Neither him nor I feel old, so I am scrapping that saying of old people who know each other that long. It was an honour to host you for one evening and to be able to see you for a quick cup of coffee, before you had to travel back over the waters to your new home. Travel safely, I am treasuring the conversations and fleshy hugs until we can do that again. By the time this entry is published, you will have arrived safely back in New Zealand….that is how quick time flies and how easy it actually is to travel that far! Love you to the moon and back. Miss you like crazy!

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Koebaai

Laat ek nou vir jou vertel. Om vir iemand, wat jy al amper jou hele lewe lank ken, koebaai te sê suck as ek dit nou pleinweg kommen kan sê. Die afgelope week het ek weer een van daardie koebaai dae beleef. Die eerste keer dat ek besef het hoe baie dit suck om koebaai te sê was in 2017, toe my ma haar resies op aarde voltooi het. Toe eers het ek besef wat die dood regtig beteken, en is.

Die ander keer was in 2021. Toe ek my sussie Erika, haar man Jaco en twee kinders, 580 keer (nie regtig so baie nie, maar dit was meer as normaal), gaan groet het in Pretoria, voor hul immigrasie na Nieu-Seeland (is dit reg gespel?) toe. Na ek die Afrikaanse weergawe van Nieu-Seeland getik het, besluit ek om tog maar dit te google net om seker te maak dis reg gespel, wat dit toe was en ek weereens nie weet hoekom ek nou daaraan sou twyfel nie! Terug by die groetery en my eintlike storie – dit het gevoel of ek hulle nooit, ooit weer in my lewe, in lewende lywe sou sien nie. Want ek weet mos hoe duur dit is om heen en weer te vlieg. Vir hulle en vir ons.

Nou ja, Dinsdag 25 April 2023 merk weer so ‘n koebaaidag. Toe ek weer dieselfde einste swaer wat in 2021 gevlieg het,moes groet na ‘n kortstondige kuier in Suid-Afrika. Hy het 6 April 2023, vir een nag by ons oorgeslaap. My instruksie aan Dora was om die huis spick and span te kry. Als op hul plekke te bêre. Netjies te maak. Vloere gewas en alles wat geskrop kon word, was geskrop. Die huis honde se komberse moet gewas word. Linne spuitgoed oral en seker maar te gereeld gespuit sodat die huis vars en lekker ruik.

Ek het selfs nuwe bedlampies vir ons kamer gekoop, want dis waar Jaco geslaap het daardie aand. Ek kon nie dat hy met lampies wat se koppe geknak het daar slaap nie. Die goed het met tyd geval en gebreek. Ek het dit nooit vervang nie, want ek kon nog nooit iets kry wat mooi lyk nie. Ek was ook nie oortuig dat dit wat ek wel in die winkels gesien het, van beter gehalte was as die voriges wat stukkend was nie, en ook nie noodwendig langer sou hou nie. Nie te min, sy kuier was ‘n goeie verskoning om nuwes aan te skaf, en nuwe lampies en al het hy in ons kamer geslaap vir een aand.

Een aand, wat soos maande gelede voel maar wat in werklikheid net 2 en half weke vantevore was op daardie laaste keer dat ons hom gesien het, die Dinsdag. Toe ek die vorige sin weer lees, maak dit nie sin nie. Wat ek bedoel en probeer sê is – die Dinsdag wat ons hom laaste gesien het, was maar twee en half weke na hy die aand oorgeslaap het. Ek wou hom daardie eerste keer nie laat gaan na sy sussie in Brits toe nie. Ek het soveel en solank ek kon die kuier uitgerek. Dinsdag was dit weer dieselfde. Ons drie (ek, Jaco en my man Heinrich) het ‘n heerlike Impala koffie gedrink terwyl ons weer dik stukke gekuier het. So tussen deur het ons al drie om die beurt na ons horlosies geloer (en gehoop die ander kom nie agter nie). Geweet die koebaai tyd kruip nader. Ons het selfs deur Impala geloop net om nog nie koebaai te sê nie. Maar toe gebeur die onvermydelike. Ons almal moet in ons rigtings spat – Jaco terug na Pretoria en ons na ons daaglikse roetine van werk en kinders optel na skool.

Ek vra maar tog weer vir ‘n laaste lewende lywe foto saam met Jaco, sommer so in die parkeer area. Heinrich rol sy oë vir my en vra hoeveel fotos wil ek dan nou hê, en of ek die foto neem omdat ek so bietjie meer opgetof as normaal is? Hy neem toe tog maar my foon om die foto te neem. Na die foto moet ons vir ‘n laaste keer groet. Trane kan nie anders as om in ons oë op te dam nie. Ons druk mekaar meer as een keer, net om seker te maak ons onthou die fleshy hugs tot ons mekaar weer te siene kry. Daar stap ‘n man wat pas parkeer het verby, seker om sy inkopies by Impala te doen en hy kyk ons so bietjie vreemd aan, veral na ek vir Jaco gegroet het, met trane in my oë, gesig weg gedraai, want ek weet sommer as ek en Jaco vir mekaar kyk, gaan ons nog meer huil.

Ek besef net al hoe meer dat die Here my en my sussies provinsies en kontinente uit mekaar moes sit, sodat ons meer gereeld met mekaar kon kommunikeer. My ander sussie het Centurion vir Riversdal verruil terwyl die oudste sussie en haar man Jaco, Suid-Afrika vir Nieu-Seeland verruil het. Hoe ironies is die lewe nie? Mens waardeer eers iemand as hulle nie meer bereikbaar is nie. Pretoria is nie so ver van Skeerpoort af gewees nie, tog het ons nie so gereeld bymekaar gekuier toe hulle almal nog in Pretoria gebly het nie. Ons het wel voor ons kinders gehad het, gereeld gekuier, maar soos wat die tyd aangestap het, kindertjies bygekom het en die lewe gebeur het, het dit al hoe minder begin gebeur….

Nie te min, ek was dankbaar vir elke sekond wat ek saam met Jaco gehad het. Al was dit nie so baie soos wat ek gehoop het nie, was dit tog iets wat ek vir altyd sal koester in my binneste. Erika en Jaco – ek mis julle stukkend. Soos alles in my lewe wat nie lekker is nie, probeer ek nie om heeltyd aan die verlange te dink nie, want, ek sal dan net een misrabele hopie huil wees die heeltyd! Want hoe kan mens nie anders, as om hartseer te wees van verlange, vir mense wat jy al jou lewe lank ken nie?

Tot ons mekaar weer sien. Hopelik gou. Ek bid dat ons skip sal inkom en dat ons nie by die lughawe wag en hom mis nie! Ek ken my swaer al vir 28 jaar. Ou mense ken mekaar al vir 28 jaar en nie ek of hy voel oud nie, so ek skrap maar daardie gesegde van ou mense wat mekaar lank ken. Dit was ‘n eer en voorreg om jou vir ‘n aand te huisves en weer te kon sien voor jy terug zirts oor die water. Veilig reis, ek koester die in persoon gesprekke en fleshy hugs tot ons dit weer kan doen. Teen die tyd dat die inskrywing gepubliseer is, het jy alweer veilig geland in Nieu-Seeland….dis net hoe vinnig die tyd vlieg en hoe maklik dit eintlik is om so ver te reis! Love you to the moon and back. Mis julle stukkend!